Our final thoughts on Automan....

Noel

Automan is not a good show. Let's get that out of the way right up front. They had this great idea of a scientist who creates a superheroic embodiment of everything he wishes he could be... and they felt the best place to stick that concept was in a bland, second rate crime show? As Tony and myself pointed out time and time again, far too many episodes are about bland rich white men in suits operating a business as a front for their criminal money schemes. Automan himself is such a large scale character with magnificent powers, but he's too often going after the stiff who's smuggling diamonds or laundering money, and it's boring. There's an episode with a super computer, and it goes out quickly on a joke so we can get to John Vernon's stolen list of people in the witness protection program. There's an episode about hackers, but it to quickly descends into the stiff guy who looks like an accountant wanting to blackmail the city for money. It says so much about the plotting of this series that the most interesting it gets is when Chuck Wagner has to pose as a hologram posing as a male stripper.

And then there's the hero himself, Automan. Initially, he's supposed to be the opposite of his creator, Walter; the over-the-top compensation for the qualities of himself that Walter feels are shortcomings. Very little of this continued into the series as Walter suddenly became an extremely capable street detective in his own right, complete with jumping spin kick displays of martial arts. And then there's the rules of how Automan operates. Half of his abilities don't make sense, and a good chunk of the rest are retconned over the course of the show's development. Nobody really sat down to work out the specifics of what he can do and what he can't. They just make him capable of nearly anything, which makes him so powerful there's no dramatic tension, even when they artificially work in a random plot device to weaken him.

Yet, all that said, I still really enjoy this show. The clash of tones doesn't work, but there's still something charmingly different about seeing two completely different styles of crimefighting constantly dancing around one another. The powers might not make sense most of the time, but they always look fantastic with the simplicity of Automan's reflective polygonal suit being a striking, always delightful image. And then there's the rousing moment they break out the AutoCar or AutoChopper or AutoPlane, complete with the laugh moment where gravity flings Wally up against the window. Jack Curtis and Capt. Boyd make for a great supporting players, the crusty old guy cops who represent the way things used to be before these strange new kids showed up with their fancy doohickery.

And, of course, there's Desi Arnaz Jr. and Chuck Wagner. The dynamic wasn't always there, but the bond and interplay between them was. Auto is an absolute hoot as he charges into situations with unending sincerity and confidence, even though he's not always are of what the hell he's doing. And Wally is equally split between moments he's gaping in horror at the results of Auto's actions, and gaping in wonder at the magic he's brought to life. Even when episodes were at their weakest, give these two a couple minutes to play off one another, and it becomes gold.

There's another major weakness, though, worth mentioning in the form of Roxanne Caldwell. I know times were different back then, but she's probably the most thankless female cop I've ever seen on screen. There's great potential there in how she cares about Wally but thinks he's endangering himself and his career with his antics with Automan, but the entirety of her role is to look pretty and roll her eyes. Getting and staying on the force was probably a tricky thing for a woman back in the day, but they never let us see her abilities or intellect at play. Maybe they would have gone there if the show had continued, but I doubt it.

In the end, it's a fun show. It'll never be a good show, but you get the sense nobody making it honestly thought it would be. They had fun making it. Not enough to give it an absurd sense of self parody, but just enough to make it charming. It's probably best explored as a curiosity, an immediate pop culture response to the striking yet surprisingly brief influence of the film Tron. However, while often no sillier than that film itself, it still lacked at its heart the genuine ideas and exploration that were ahead of their time. Automan is entirely of its time. It's the product of a mediocre producer struggling to figure out what kids are into these days, and mostly fails to hit that mark.

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Tony

Well, here we are. Our first wrap-up. When we started, Automan was nothing more than a few images burned into my memory. A brief pop culture pit stop from my youth. I can’t say that riding along with Auto and Walter these past four months has jogged any memories. Aside from the iconography, it felt as if I were watching these for the first time. But it did manage to stir up feelings of nostalgia. I grew up on shows like Automan, and the genre conventions of the era felt like a big, warm hug.

But let’s not confuse comfort food with good food. Automan is, at best, an average example of 80s genre television, well below Knight Rider, Airwolf, and perhaps even other short-lived series like Street Hawk. It’s an intriguing premise, with a first-rate cast, undone by lazy, repetitive plots and a general lack of action.

I think Automan’s undoing was that it tried to be all things to all people. The vehicles and the f/x wizardry tried to hook the 12 and under crowd (which included me at the time it aired), the music seemed as if it were trying to appeal to the teen audience, and all of this MTV-era razzle-dazzle wrapped itself around plots lifted from shows like Colombo, so it was safe for parents and grandparents. It was like your great uncle Ned wearing a Beat It jacket and parachute pants to bingo night at the local VFW hall.

PROS:

• A very solid cast with just the right mix of talented new-comers and old pros. Chuck Wagner shines brightest, and that’s not just because he wears a glowing costume. It’s hard to believe he didn’t go on to bigger things.
• While the stories often lacked any real drama, they typically nailed the humor, most of which was character driven.
• The special effects were quite well done considering the era and the budgetary limitations.
• The 80s really was the decade of great theme music, and Automan is no exception.

CONS

• Old white guys. Hey, I don’t have anything against them. I want to be one some day. But week after week after week after week some middle aged man in a suit sat by a pool plotting a Ponzi scheme of some sort.
• The show lacked focus and direction. One minute Walter was a timid geek, the next he’s going all Kung-Fu Grip™ on the bad guys. What are Automan’s powers and what can and can’t he do? It seemed to change week to week to suit the episode’s needs. And they struggled to include rumpled Lt. Curtis and 80s hot Roxanne Caldwell into the story.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Automan is a very mediocre 80s genre show with a talented and game cast trying very hard to make you smile and forget about [insert here] for an hour or so, and there’s nothing wrong with that. If you like shows like Knight Rider, The A-Team, and Airwolf, you'll probably like Automan, too. Just less so.

The show: 5.5/10
The experience: 8/10

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Related Reviews:

• Automan, episode 1
• Automan, episode 2 "Stayling Alive While Running a High Flashdance Fever"
• Automan, episode 3 "The Great Pretender"
• Automan, episode 4 "Ships in the Night"
• Automan, episode 5 "Unreasonable Facsimile"
• Automan, episode 6 "Flashes and Ashes"
• Automan, episode 7 "The Biggest Game in Town"
• Automan, episode 8 "Renegade Run"
• Automan, episode 9 "Murder MTV"
• Automan, episode 10 "Murder, Take One"
• Automan, episode 11 "Zippers"
• Automan, episode 12 "Death by Design"
• Automan, episode 13 "Club Ten"
• Automan merchandise
• Automan pilot novelization

Automan, The Novel!

Noel

"Wally, would you consider coming home with me after we eat?"

His heart skipped a beat, and he nearly choked on his pastrami. "What for?" he gulped.

Roxanne hesitated. "I don't want you living in that house all alone... At least, not for a while."

Walter couldn't believe what she'd just said. With dry throat and thumping heart, he moved over to kiss her. Gently, she took his head and pressed it against her chest. The room seemed to shake and tremble.

Another subway train had passed by below them.

Softly, she raised his head and moved slightly away. "We don't have that kind of relationship, Wally. I just want to mother you."

He swallowed and looked down. "It's better than nothing. If you knew how long I've stared at you from that computer room."

As with the merchandising Tony wrote about last week, the one and only print tie-in for Automan was exclusively available in the UK. Published by Target Books, the company best known for novelizing all but five storylines in the original Doctor Who series, this book is an adaptation of Glen Larson's pilot script by an obscure author named Martin Noble. I can't find much in the way of info regarding Noble, and he may in fact be a pseudonym, but he also penned novelizations for Ruthless People, Bloodbath at the House of Death, and Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (a novelization of a film that's already based on a novel - that's rare).

Nobel writes the adaptation well and captures both the gritty street cop aspects as well as the fantastical humor, at times blending the two even better than the show itself. The big problem is that he was obviously only working off the pilot as the book lacks any context of the episodes that followed, despite this being published the year after the show went off the air. After the first few episodes, Automan's power limitations became more random and vague, and the aspect of him going dead each morning was dropped. Here, Noble keeps the night based missions and the fading of Automan as the breakfast appliances are turned on. After a few episodes, Walter proved himself surprisingly capable in a fight, complete with spinning midair roundhouse kicks. Here, he's as meek as that guy getting sand kicked in his face on the beach. As the series went along, the romance between Walter and Roxanne grew and blossomed into something genuine. Here, as you can see in the excerpt above, they're nowhere near making out. Also, later episodes introduced people Walter knew from his programming days. While Noble does flesh out a backstory for Walter, none of these people are present in it.

Now, all of this is understandable as Noble was likely working of a script and/or video of just the pilot episode, so he himself probably didn't have any context from the stories that followed, but it's still a shame he wasn't given the opportunity to rework and tweak it a little so as to more closely follow what the show became than it does the awkward beginnings.

I mentioned before that Noble creates a backstory for Walter, and that makes up the largest chunk of new material he's added to the story. Here, Walter was childhood friends with a kid named Ralph "Donut" Donetti. Despite their physical shortcomings, they constantly roleplayed as heroic protectors of their neighborhood. One day, while huffing it to the school bus, Donetti was hit by a car and killed. Walter thus retreated into the world of computer programming. He put out a string of games called Mousetron and Guzzlemat, and though he wanted to join the police force, he caved in to his parents' fears of that career and instead received an electronics research scholarship to MIT. While there, he scored a huge success with the game Space Monkeys and used the earning to fund his experiments in holographic technology; first, for a new game called Starfighter 3D, second, for a certain you know who. He also managed to finally join the police force as head of their computer department, thanks to that section being partially funded by a grant from the parents of none other than the late Ralph "Donut" Donetti.

I think it's a good backstory. The Donut part is a little much, but it otherwise does a nice job of getting to the heart of our beloved Walter Nebicher, and I can't help but chuckle at his name being tied to games called Guzzlemat and Space Monkeys. The only bit of awkwardness is an introductory scene where Walter first demonstrates Starfighter 3D to a media agent named J.P. Hawkins, then blows his load by whipping out Automan, only to then pull back and say it's not ready. This is only after Automan makes his dramatic appearance, complete with the dialogue from the prelude bit of every episode. J.P. is, of course, blown away and thinks they can make a mint off of this technology, yet, when Wally turns him down, he's never heard from again. Why introduce this character if you aren't going to make a subplot about him? Maybe J.P. starts striking deals behind Wally's back, maybe he tries to steal the technology himself. There's so many places this can go, but it's never again brought up.

And that speaks to the entire novelization in that there's so much room for expanding things, but the majority of the additions are just little bits like Wally being a terrible driver so as to contrast with Automan; or Wally being a terrible dancer, leading him to bust out some expert Michael Jackson moves during his first merge; or a group of teens in a hotrod who spend half a page trying to take the AutoCar on in a drag race; or Walter owning a cat for no reason; or a prologue covering Walter's backstory that's written from the POV of Lt. Jack Curtis, from a point in time where he knows all about Automan; or the computer room being lined with coffee cup towers from Walter's late nights.

These are all fine, colorful details, but they don't really add much to the story. What I'd really love to see is an exploration of the past between Jack Curtis and Interpol agent Tanya Du Bois. Or what about the three kidnapping victims who hook up at the resort? I always thought a missed opportunity of the pilot episode was an escape attempt on their part, and this would have been a perfect place to build on that. Or even have Jack try to break loose after he's nabbed. We briefly hear of several attempts at freedom, but we never get to witness any first hand.

But that's a small complaint. For any fan of the show, this is a fun, colorful read, and still left me with the same smile I had during each episode. Just be aware that it follows the pilot and only the pilot, and that nothing you enjoyed from any of the following episodes are covered at all.

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Related Reviews:

• Automan, episode 1
• Automan, episode 2 "Stayling Alive While Running a High Flashdance Fever"
• Automan, episode 3 "The Great Pretender"
• Automan, episode 4 "Ships in the Night"
• Automan, episode 5 "Unreasonable Facsimile"
• Automan, episode 6 "Flashes and Ashes"
• Automan, episode 7 "The Biggest Game in Town"
• Automan, episode 8 "Renegade Run"
• Automan, episode 9 "Murder MTV"
• Automan, episode 10 "Murder, Take One"
• Automan, episode 11 "Zippers"
• Automan, episode 12 "Death by Design"
• Automan, episode 13 "Club Ten"
• Automan merchandise
• Automan, final thoughts

Automan merchandise

[NOTE: All images (except the video game screenshot) are taken from the collection of Automan merchandise which you can read about at 80sKID.com. Seriously, it's an amazing site and we wouldn't have known about half the treasures mentioned here if 80sKID wasn't around.]

Tony

"Moichandising!" – Yogurt, Spaceballs

From The Lone Ranger and Lassie, to Friends and Seinfeld, as long as there’s been television, there’s been merchandising. And so it was with Automan. But if you lived in the United States in 1983, chances are you didn’t see any at your local toy store.

"A prophet is respected everywhere except in his hometown." - Mark 13:57

As a toy collector, there’s an interesting phenomenon I’ve noticed about 80s American action/adventure shows: they're vastly more popular and well-loved abroad than they are here. If only that were true about Americans in general. Maybe we should elect Mr. T as our next President.

I'm not sure exactly why that is, but the result is that many well-known - and some not so well known - 80s shows were extensively merchandised overseas and, yet, we saw next to nothing here in the States. In terms of Automan merchandise, it seems to have been primarily, if not exclusively, released in the UK. Here's a rundown of some of the more interesting items available.

The Automan action figure – Action figures have long been a staple of merchandising, whether it be movies, cartoons, or live-action TV shows, and it’s not just limited to genre shows like Automan. Even sitcoms like Happy Days and Welcome Back, Kotter had their own line of "action" figures (it was the 70s, gang).

Like most Automan merchandise, the action figure was only available in the UK. Manufactured by Acamas, it stood nearly 5 ½ inches tall, had nine points of articulation, and came with no accessories (fun!). The likeness is a bit closer to Lee Majors than Chuck Wagner, but, overall, the figure captures the electro-glow look of the character.

The card back tells us to "Look for the Automan range," which isn’t where the deer and the antelope play, but a promised (yet never delivered) line-up of other figures based on Walter, Capt. Boyd, and Lt. Curtis. There isn’t a photo, but there is an illustration and, as you can see, they look positively exciting.

The figure appears to be somewhat rare. A check of eBay showed two auctions here in the U.S., each for a loose (un-carded) figure, with one listed with a "buy it now" price of $149 and the other $225. Neither example was mint/near mint and showed moderate-plus wear. My guess is that would put a mint, loose figure somewhere North of $300.

There were two more examples available in UK auctions, each carded, with one being listed as being MONMC (mint on near mint card) with a buy it now price of $455 U.S.

The Automan costume – It looks like your standard boxed 70s/80s Halloween costume, but given that it's listed on the back of the action figure's card as an "Automan Costume Set", I'm guessing this wasn't so much a Halloween costume as a year 'round role play outfit.

I'm not sure if the costume is made with any sort of reflective material, but it is outlined in white to help give it that halo effect. An interesting note is that Acamas re-used their mold for the Luke Skywalker Halloween costume mask to save money. I'm sure a lawsuit by Lucasfilm is forthcoming.

Finally I have to mention the box art. It's really eye-catching, with the sharp Automan logo and a cool shot of the Autocar and the Autocopter, but take a look at the illustration of the kid in the costume next to the picture of Chuck Wagner. Is that Automan or Mr. Spock?

The Automan video game – Made by Bug Byte (that's cute) for the Commodore 64 system. An Automan video game seems like a natch, right? It must be fairly rare, as my searches only turned up a handful of main menu screen shots and no reviews or videos.


[Edit from Noel: I did manage to find a brief clip of gameplay. Go to the 6:21 mark in the video below and shudder in horror for the next couple of minutes. Seriously, this looks awful and has jack all to do with Automan.]

[Further edit from Noel: Gah, video removed. But still leaving my line above in as it's referenced in comments below.]

The Automan car – This appears to be the rarest of the officially licensed Automan toys; a 5" battery operated replica of the AutoCar. According to 80sKID, there are only two known examples in existence.

The rest of the merchandising seems to have centered around various role playing toys of dubious tie-in logic, such as binoculars, a briefcase, a watch that shoots a whirly helicopter blade, and a money set. "Hey, kids! Now you can make it rain just like Automan!" What a genius concept, eh? Paying real money for fake money.

These were manufactured by Ja-Ru, a still operating toy company that specializes in cheap toys sold primarily at supermarkets.

So as you can see, if you're an Automan fan, you've got some interesting collectibles to choose from. But you'd better have some Auto-cash, and a lot of patience, on hand.

---

Related Reviews:

• Automan, episode 1
• Automan, episode 2 "Stayling Alive While Running a High Flashdance Fever"
• Automan, episode 3 "The Great Pretender"
• Automan, episode 4 "Ships in the Night"
• Automan, episode 5 "Unreasonable Facsimile"
• Automan, episode 6 "Flashes and Ashes"
• Automan, episode 7 "The Biggest Game in Town"
• Automan, episode 8 "Renegade Run"
• Automan, episode 9 "Murder MTV"
• Automan, episode 10 "Murder, Take One"
• Automan, episode 11 "Zippers"
• Automan, episode 12 "Death by Design"
• Automan, episode 13 "Club Ten"
• Automan pilot novelization
• Automan, final thoughts

Automan, episode 13: "Club Ten"

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Tony

The number thirteen has long been associated with bad luck, and so it was for Automan. Here we are, "Club Ten", the thirteenth and final episode. Let the ending begin.

It’s fitting that the final episode of Automan sticks close to the formula established in the previous twelve. White collar criminals, a road trip, gratuitous female ass shots, familiar pop songs with dubious unfamiliar replacement singers, and Chuck Wagner dancing.

In general, I can’t say anything about this episode that I haven’t already said about the previous twelve. Specifically, it feels a bit flat and lazy. To make a sports analogy, Automan is like that big white guy that comes off the bench in the NBA and runs up and down the court like Gumby on a sugar rush. He gets by on his hustle more than his talent. Take away the hustle, and you’ve got Klaus, a slow European benchwarmer who wears a black turtleneck under his warm-ups, smokes cigarettes during time outs, and says things like “The fact that we ‘make’ a basket, only for the ball to fall through a hole in the bottom, is a metaphor for the folly of life.”

A list of frustrations with this episode.

• The setting of a club for “Perfect Tens” seems like a great set-up for the pin-up handsome Wagner and the everyman Walter, but instead of milking it for all it’s worth, they give one or two squeezes on the teat and move on.
• The show always struggled to integrate 80s hot Roxanne Caldwell into the story, and when they finally do, she’s given nothing to do. Even her budding romance with Walter is M.I.A.
• The guest stars, usually a strength, are the worst in the show’s run. Not only is there not a familiar face among them, I don’t think there’s a pulse.
• Half the fun of the show was watching Auto get lost inside whatever character he was playing that week and we get none of that here.

Sadly, “Club Ten” is anything but.

White Guys Conspiring Around a Pool Count: Ending at 6

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Noel

"You know, it's amazing the lengths your species will go to to put a little white ball in a hole."
"For someone who can trace his family tree back to Pong, I'd think you'd have a little more appreciation for games."

Here we are, friends, at the end of the adventure. It's the final episode of Automan, which spent several years unseen due to the cancellation of the show. I can just imagine the few fans who stuck with the original as they see this episode coming up on the syndication schedule. They'd gather around their sets, never imagining the day they could live blog the experience, and walk away with an indifferent sigh.

Don't get me wrong, it's a well executed episode with clean direction and a decent script that balances their usual good humor with a twisty mystery plot, but it puts a big spotlight on the weakest aspect of the entire series: the yuppie blandness.

The episode takes place at the island resort Club Ten, which only caters to people who are judged to be perfect tens in terms of looks, confidence, and wealth. Meaning it's an island of nothing but studly white men and hot women in bikinis. To infiltrate this nefarious fortress of Caucasian ego stroking, Automan must don his most complex and unexpected disguise yet: a studly white man, complete with manly sweater vest. Yes, we see his grand holographic range of powers put to the test as he has to partake in fancy deserts, a round of hysterically choreographed tango, and even the feared art of golf.

I'm trying to make it sound more awesome than it is, because it's really just so bland. And as with too many episodes of the series, the villains are your typical white collar bandits who are using the resort as a front for diamond smuggling. And it's such a huge case of crime and misdoing that not only are our heroes going undercover to smoke the ring out, but they keep stepping on the toes of a British agent who's already neck deep in this case. There's so much more they could have done here, with an international incident crisis and the two forces teaming up even as they try to out-maneuver one another, but the setup goes nowhere as Inspector Mercer (Don Knight) inexplicably loses his cover halfway through, arresting Walter while in full uniform. And then there's a couple AutoCar chases, and he's forgotten.

Worst of all is Roxanne. Finally. They finally have an episode where she gets to step into the spotlight when the kidnapping of her friend leads our heroes to the case, and Curtis stays home for once so she can join Auto and Wally in the investigation. They have a perfect opportunity to finally show off her skills as a cop and further her bond with the heroes, but the first half is nothing more than her gaping or rolling her eyes at Auto's antics, and in the second, she's kidnapped and joins her friend as yet another damsel in distress. And the relationship between her and Wally? Never once mentioned or explored.

It's not a bad episode, and had it arrived in the middle of the series, it wouldn't have been such a letdown, but as a finale, it's one hell of a feeble whimper. I know, I know, it's doubtful they were expecting the show to get cancelled, so they had no control over what note they'd go out on, but you have to admit that it's never fun to see a show end with a big spotlight on what they were doing wrong to begin with.

Some random Walter thoughts:

• I love Walter's massive laptop computer. Which doesn't end up doing much of anything.
• I believe this is the third time we've hear the generic version of "Beat It" on the soundtrack. I love that it plays over Walter's spastic dancing.
• The man can't dance, but he still kicks ass pretty damn well.
• I love how the only way he can get into the pompous exclusive club is by pretending he's Automan's valet.
• That is one hell of an epic pink and sky blue polo shirt he's wearing.

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Tune in next Saturday Morning as we explore Automan's merchandising.

Related Reviews:

• Automan, episode 1
• Automan, episode 2 "Stayling Alive While Running a High Flashdance Fever"
• Automan, episode 3 "The Great Pretender"
• Automan, episode 4 "Ships in the Night"
• Automan, episode 5 "Unreasonable Facsimile"
• Automan, episode 6 "Flashes and Ashes"
• Automan, episode 7 "The Biggest Game in Town"
• Automan, episode 8 "Renegade Run"
• Automan, episode 9 "Murder MTV"
• Automan, episode 10 "Murder, Take One"
• Automan, episode 11 "Zippers"
• Automan, episode 12 "Death by Design"
• Automan merchandise
• Automan pilot novelization
• Automan, final thoughts

Automan, episode 12: "Death By Design"

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Noel

"Automan, isn't it true that you can take literally thousands of facts and assimilate them instantaneously?"
"That's right."
"And that you have the deductive abilities of the world's most brilliant detectives?"
"Correct."
"So tell me, why can't you take a hint?"

I'm... really not sure what to make of this episode. I can't tell if it's a jumble of separate ideas lazily dropped together, or if it's a masterpiece of outside-the-box thinking and unconventional plotting.

Up front, I should point out that the primary focus of this story is on Lt. Jack Curtis, meaning Robert Lansing gets to steal the spotlight with his unique delivery and mannerisms, and a flailing punch or two. We open with Jack on a late night stakeout with his old academy buddy and dear friend Nate Hester (Edward Mallory). From their banter about the good old days, you just know things are going to end up bad and, sure enough, they trail suspected mob enforcer Eric LeBlanc (Luke Askew) to the offices of Sylvana Fashions, where Nate and the company's owner are gunned down in cold blood while Jack is waiting outside for backup. They do eventually bring LeBlanc in, but have to release him due to a lack of evidence. This doesn't stop Jack from clocking the goon on the jaw and vowing "You just keep lookin' over your shoulder because I am going to be there."

Let's tangent for a moment to the subplot that gave our title the word "design". Our story cuts rather quickly from grim cops and the gritty streets to a pair of swimsuit models splashing around with a beachball in a kiddie pool, set to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun". Jack's reaction at walking in on the scene is priceless. Supervising the photoshoot is Tracy Morgan (Anne Lockhart, daughter of June), the business partner of the slain Sylvana, is trying to keep the company going in the face of his death. It seems the plot of this episode's rich white guys in suits is that the mob is claiming half ownership of the company, despite Sylvana having paid up the debts he owed. Regadless, Tracy bravely decides to stand her ground in the face of their continued threats and demands.

So in comes Automan. From the setup and title, I was wondering if he'd take the guise of a male model or an eccentric designer of glowing electronic fashion. But, no, the fashion industry is little more than a backdrop featuring a double-d cup load of bikini clad women. For his main guise, Auto takes on the trope of a gritty street cop out for vengeance. Hell, they concoct a series of Dirty Harry-esque films called Nasty Eddie - complete with the tagline "Go ahead, do the world a favor." - for him to become an eager fan of, before he hits the streets with a squinting grate to his voice and a glowing AutoMagnum in his holster. And Walter, with the blessing of Capt. Boyd, even goes so far as to create false police reports of crooks being gunned down by a rouge cop named Mad Dog, so as to trick the crooks into panicking.

While it doesn't stray too far from the gritty white collar crime stories Automan has dealt with in the past, this episode was such an unexpected surprise filled with great little moments. Like Chuck Wagner hilariously failing to be threatening with his gravely voice, because he's still so damn pretty. Or Auto brutally gunning down a newsstand bookie right before Walter's eyes, only for it to be revealed as a bit of Cursor magic. Or the AutoChopper being outfitted with a swanky new laser cannon. Or a romantic moment, cruelly interrupted by Auto and Cursor, where Walter and Roxanne finally hook up and share their first kiss.

"You know, Wally, I have grown quite fond of you."
"I know, I know. But you don't want romance to get in the way of our friendship."
"As a matter of fact, I don't want our friendship to get in the way of romance."

That, my friends, is what we call victory.

On a final note, I'm intrigued by this episode's introduction of Tom Sholes (David Spielberg, no relation to Steven), a crime reporter with a beef against the police force, which he often smears as sadistic and corrupt. It's through his articles that Wally spreads the false rumors of a vigilante cop, but what really has me curious is his promise to not stop until he gets to the truth behind Agent Otto Mann. Is this a new recurring character being added to our cast? We've got one episode left to find out.

But as I said, I still can't figure out if this episode is great or awful. What does the fashion industry have to do with Jack losing an old friend? Nothing. Why even have the fashion industry if Auto's going to go on a vigilante spree? No reason. Why even have Auto go nuts and start cleaning up the streets if you aren't going to make Walter terrified of losing control? Missed opportunity. And, yet, I was still riveted the whole time, and had absolutely no idea what was going to happen next. So I can't say if it's a good episode or not, but I sure liked it.

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Tony

This week’s episode shoots holes in my theory that everyone involved knew the show was doomed by this point. Not so much because it’s a great episode (it’s not), but because they seem to be setting up characters and plots for the future. A future that would never come (insert dramatic music here).

"Death by Design" represents the twelfth and final episode of Automan aired during its original U.S. run. I say "aired" because there were actually thirteen episodes filmed. That episode, "Club Ten", wouldn’t be broadcast on American TV until years later.

So what do they set up? The “Will they or won’t th--, ah, who cares?” relationship between Walter and 80s hot Roxanne Caldwell finally takes the next step. I haven’t seen a guy take this long to get to first base since John Kruk played for the Phillies.

Next is the introduction of a sleazy crime beat writer who immediately finds himself on the wrong side of our heroes, and the episode ends with a hint that he has taken a special interest in Auto’s Agent Mann alter ego. It could’ve been a fun addition.

Back to the episode... ehhhh, it’s flatter than a 13th century globe. You’d think watching Wagner sneer and squint his way through a Dirty Harry impression would be fun, but the jokes and the scenarios lack the necessary creativity to give it... wait for it... Magnum Force. Or is that.... wait... for... it... Sudden Impact.

I did enjoy one of my all-time favorite actors, Lance Le Gault, working his vocal magic. Not to mention the lovely Anne Lockhart (Sheba to all you original Battlestar Galactica fans out there). But even they can’t save a weak script that gives them nothing to do. As if to underline how dull the episode had been, it ends with a pyrotechnic show worthy of an 80s hair band. It was a fun bit of razzle-dazzle, but it didn’t really fit the episode at all.

It’s not a lemon or a lime,
I only said that because it rhymes,
it’s Lance Le Gault fun fact time!

• Lance Le Gault began his career as a stunt double for Elvis.
• Le Gault appeared twice on the Glen Larson produced Knight Rider, playing a different character each time.
• Le Gault would out do him self on the 80s series Airwolf, where he appeared in three different episodes, playing a different character in each. All five characters were bad guys.

White Guys Conspiring Around a Pool Count: 6
White Guys Conspiring Around a Fern Count: 1

---

Tune in next Saturday Morning for our final exciting adventure with Automan in "Club Ten".

Related Reviews:

• Automan, episode 1
• Automan, episode 2 "Stayling Alive While Running a High Flashdance Fever"
• Automan, episode 3 "The Great Pretender"
• Automan, episode 4 "Ships in the Night"
• Automan, episode 5 "Unreasonable Facsimile"
• Automan, episode 6 "Flashes and Ashes"
• Automan, episode 7 "The Biggest Game in Town"
• Automan, episode 8 "Renegade Run"
• Automan, episode 9 "Murder MTV"
• Automan, episode 10 "Murder, Take One"
• Automan, episode 11 "Zippers"
• Automan, episode 13 "Club Ten"
• Automan merchandise
• Automan pilot novelization
• Automan, final thoughts

Automan, episode 10: "Murder, Take One"

---

Noel

"Tell me, does that collar require recharging?"

"No. But I do."

Oh, look. More rich white people fighting over money! Yay!

Our story this week is pure tinsel town trash, with love affairs, Hollywood scandal, and more deep kisses than you can fling a Cursor at. Our story opens with the murder of a scathing Hollywood gossip columnist. The lead suspect, and topic of his last few articles, is Veronica Everly (Michelle Phillips), a slithery actress who has no problem shouting threats against a person's life in the middle of a public street. In reality, though, the culprits are pretty typical for Automan goons: bland dudes in suits who use movies to smuggle drugs and launder cash. The only noteworthy aspect of these guys is that their ringleader, Michael Hagedorn, is Ed Lauter, who continues to be a prolific and instantly recognizable character actor to this day.

Surprisingly, everyone gets in on the action this week. We'll get to Automan in a second, but this is the third episode now where we've seen lovable computer geek Walter Nebicher take down a goon with a hidden load of martial arts kickass. He's done roundhouse kicks in the past, but here he actually springs off the side of a car into a spinning midair kick. I love that he can totally handle his own as a street cop, but I always thought Automan was meant to be a compensation for physical shortcomings. Either way, it's badass.

And then we get Lt. Curtis and Capt. Boyd who end the episode by declaring they're getting a little old for this. Curtis is kidnapped again, that's nothing new, but they do it in very impressive fashion this time by plowing into his car once, twice, third time's a charm with a massive garbage truck before leading him away at gunpoint. Sure, he breaks loose only to go down quickly with his usual glass jaw, but he gets to make up for it by disarming a couple thugs with hysterical flail kicks. A trained martial artist he is not. And Boyd, geez the man's a trooper. He leads one sting where he runs in before backup arrives and takes a bullet to the arm, then, while his arm is still bloody and the bullet has likely not been removed, he charges into a second warehouse where the thugs knock him to the floor and kick the shit out of him. How he became Captain with such blundering tactics is beyond me, but you have to give the man credit for getting back up again.

The only character let out of the action, as usual, is Roxanne. I know this is the 80s, and she's the "pretty girl cop", but she's been shown to be sharp and resourceful, and I'm really surprised at how little we've seen of her in the field. With a few exceptions, the extent of her role is being harassed by Cursor and rolling her eyes at Wally whenever Auto shows up.

So let's get to the main feature of this program, our holographic sentinel of justice and good hair. In this episode, Automan is instantly smitten with Veronica Everly when she's brought in for questioning, which wins him an invite to see the making of her latest film down on the studio lot. As you can guess, it's not long before Auto is suddenly acting in the film in a very prominent role. Because Hollywood totally works that way. Anyway, the main thrust of the plot is that, should they be unable to finish the movie by a certain time, Hagedorn looses a buttload of money which screws out investors and deals and makes him a dead man. So it's Automan to the rescue as he turns into a total diva to slow down production. He flubs his lines, takes elaborate lunches, wonders why he doesn't get a "motorhome", arrives late due to oversleeping, insists that lighting be reset to "improve" the stagings of scenes. And then he unleashes full chaos as Cursor creates a raging storm of wind, snow, and lightning inside the studio, set to "Ride of the Valkyries". For all the random plotting and uninteresting villains that bring the episode down, these sequences make it instant gold as Chuck Wagner delivers all the douchiness with his smiling sincerity.

So, in the end, not one of the better episodes. But when you cut Automan loose and let him have some fun, its hard not to experience a little of your own.

---

Tony


Jump the shark. Nuke the fridge. Fail. Pick your meme and slap it on this week’s episode. It’s the day the music died.

So, bye, bye, Mr. Automan guy
You went to the well once more but found it was dry
And those network execs in their shirts and ties
Singin' "This’ll be the day that you die.
This’ll be the day that you die."

I’ve grown fond of this show and its characters over the last two months, so it pains me to say that this episode marks the low point of the series thus far. It’s as if everyone involved knows the show is doomed, particularly the ones writing the checks.

Remember the globe trotting from the first half of the series? Gone. Remember the high speed chases in the AutoCar, the super sleek AutoCopter, or the amazing AutoPlane? Gone, gone, gone. It feels like belt tightening. Even setting most of the action in a movie studio seems done to keep from having to shoot on location.

And, worst of all, the cast seem to be going through the motions in this one, their trademark energy and snappy exchanges replaced by shrugs of indifference. The story is beyond tepid, with only fleeting glimpses at the humor we’ve come to enjoy from Wagner’s hologram-out-of-water character.

Maybe because we’re getting down to the end of the series I’m reading too much into this, but I don’t think so. Everything about this episode screams "dead man walking".

A list of thoughts, random but organized in a list of sorts.

• Former The Mammas & The Pappas singer Michelle Phillips is wasted in a role that seems set up for something much larger but is quickly abandoned and forgotten.
• Seriously, when did Walter learn Kung-Fu? I like that he’s never been portrayed as a weakling, but in each of the last few episodes, he’s been Kato to Automan’s Green Hornet.
• I’m really disappointed that they haven’t figured out what to do with 80s hot Roxanne Caldwell. Is she Walter’s love interest or isn’t she? She’s the only person besides Walter who knows who (or what) Automan truly is, but they haven’t managed to weave that into the story in a way that makes her a central character.

White Guys Conspiring Around a Pool Count: Holding at 4.

---

Related Reviews:

• Automan, episode 1
• Automan, episode 2 "Stayling Alive While Running a High Flashdance Fever"
• Automan, episode 3 "The Great Pretender"
• Automan, episode 4 "Ships in the Night"
• Automan, episode 5 "Unreasonable Facsimile"
• Automan, episode 6 "Flashes and Ashes"
• Automan, episode 7 "The Biggest Game in Town"
• Automan, episode 8 "Renegade Run"
• Automan, episode 9 "Murder MTV"
• Automan, episode 11 "Zippers"
• Automan, episode 12 "Death by Design"
• Automan, episode 13 "Club Ten"
• Automan merchandise
• Automan pilot novelization
• Automan, final thoughts

Automan, episode 9: "Murder MTV"

---

Tony


This week’s episode is entitled "Murder MTV", but before you get too excited, they’re not talking about the cast of Jersey Shore.

One of the more unique aspects of Automan is how it embraced the pop culture of its time. A full year before Miami Vice, Automan was lacing its soundtrack with contemporary pop music. That may be par for the course now, but it was pretty innovative back then.

In this episode, they take things a step further with guest star Laura Branigan. For whipper-snappers like Noel, the name Laura Branigan may only seem vaguely familiar, but in the early-to-mid-80s, she was one of the more successful female pop singers in the world, with hits like “Gloria”, “Solitaire”, and “Self Control” topping the charts. So, in 1984 terms, Branigan was a good get for the show.

Branigan plays Jessie Cole, lead singer of a female rock band who becomes the target of a hitman. Usually, when a singer or musician tries to act, the result is cringe-inducing, but Branigan holds her own against previous damsels of the week. Plus, she has a down-to-Earth relatability and an image that seems far less conscious than other pop stars of the time.

But, as usual, it's Wagner who truly shines. When the group’s guitarist doesn't show for a gig, guess who fills in. It's so ridiculously cheesy that you have to love it.

The plot is basic stuff, with what has become a standard twist near the end, but as there are no clues along the way, the twists always ring false or have little payoff. Twists are no fun if you aren't provided the clues to figure them out.

There’s not a lot of action in this episode, and the thin intrigue there is fizzles, but I enjoy the music, as well as the romance between Auto and Jessie.

Quick, Cursor, a bullet-list!

• Three of Branigan’s songs are featured in this episode: her signature song, “Gloria”, is heard briefly, the lesser known “Satisfaction” ends the episode, and the main song (played several times) is “Hot Night”. The latter wasn’t a big hit and is primarily known for its inclusion in the movie Ghostbusters.
• Sadly, Laura Branigan died in 2004 of a brain aneurysm at the age of 47.
• The budding romance between Walter and 80s hot Roxanne is nudged forward a smidge. Early in the episode, Walter has her over for dinner, and later, when Branigan’s band mates are hitting on Walter, he shyly demurs. I thought this was a nice touch and shows that they clearly had plans to push the Walter/Roxanne thing further.
• The whole notion of Automan not being able to operate during the day has become a maddeningly inconsistent crutch. The vast majority of this episode takes place during daylight hours and Auto does fine. But at the end, when the bad guy is getting away, it's then used so that Walter has to go it alone... only to have Auto re-appear in the nick of time to get the girl... sort of.
• And about Auto getting the girl - they spend the entire episode setting up their romance, and when Auto comes dashing in to save her, they express their feelings for one another, kiss, and then... Automan tells her that they can’t be together and must remain “good friends”. What? Are you serious? She doesn’t even ask a simple “Why?” I mean we know why, but she doesn’t.

White Guys Conspiring Around a Pool Count: Holding at 4.

---

Noel

"What a remarkable place this is. You know, from a room like this, a hologram could rule the world."

"Easy, Auto. Holograms aren't exactly what you'd call an organized political party."

"Nor are the Democrats and Republicans, from what I can tell."

After the last episode, with its dirty sheriff and biker gang, I didn't think this show could get any better. That seemed to be the peak of unexpectedly crazy storylines.

Then comes "Murder MTV", an episode guest starring then singing sensation Laura Branigan, the late, great talent who gave us "Gloria" and "How am I Supposed to Live Without You". Here, she plays Jessie Cole, lead singer of Sweet Kicks, whose latest music video falls victim to an exploding speaker that takes out a dancer wearing a bear pelt. A threatening phone call follows soon after, but before you start expecting a show about obsessive youth culture and stalkers, let me tell you that this story is actually about Jessie's father.... That's right, a stiff white dude in a suit.

Yeah, yeah, they're falling on the old focus instead of trying something different as, yes, he has mob ties and is being blackmailed for something from his past. But hang on. They actually do a pretty nifty job of it. Though Michael McGuire comes off a little creepy at times, the threat against his daughter is very real and they pull off a father trying to shield his daughter from his past. Even to the point where he goes to his old friends to get a pair of mob goons to act as her bodyguards. The writers deserve strong points here by making these dudes capable professionals who never turn on their assignment. Even when they accidentally beat up the lovable Lt. Curtis after mistaking him for the threat.

And then, in a surprise twist, they take these two goons and viciously kill them. My jaw was on the floor when our baddie appears on a motorcycle, leads them to a cliffside road, then whips his bike to a stop, shoulders a machine gun, and opens fire on their car, sending one goon spilling out the door and leaving the other to drive off the cliff to an exploding death. Bad. Ass. Especially when he then walks up to the already fallen goon and empties the rest of the clip into the cooling corpse.

I'm conflicted about this development. On the one hand, it's really well executed and absolutely nails the threat Jessie's up again. On the other, this show is still trying to appeal to multiple audiences instead of finding its niche. Wanna get the teen girls to watch? Get a popular female pop star to appear. But we want the parents to watch, too! Then let's focus on her well-pleated father. Don't forget the boys! Machine guns? Motorcycles?

As with the first few episodes, they haven't figured out who they want their audience to be, so they try to appeal to everyone, and never really succeed. You can be with it for one scene, but then the next feels like its from a completely different show, so focus and attention is immediately jarred. It's not as glaring as those earlier episodes, but it's still there, and I'm still waiting for this show to find its footing.

Oh, wait! Our heroes! For some reason, Jack takes Walter into the field for this assignment, and his youth and charm instantly have the female pop band fawning over him. "Agent" Otto Mann is quick to the scene, of course, where he joins the band as their new guitarist, complete with his own glowing AutoTar. What I love about this show is that I don't even need to make up these gloriously absurd plots. The writers already did it for me. Case in point: this is the second episode in a row where Walter drops someone with a spinning Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the jaw.

Random thoughts:

• Though it's never developed beyond the opening scene, I love the idea of Walter being in a battle for the heart of Roxanne... against Cursor!
• Speaking of Roxanne, this seemed like it would have been a great investigation for her to take point on. Missed opportunity.
• Why did they have to have Automan make out with Jessie Cole? She's supposed to be a teen pop star, and he's a little too much older.
• Great moment when Automan is running so low on power that the AutoCar hologram shatters just as it's being built.

---

Related Reviews:

• Automan, episode 1
• Automan, episode 2 "Stayling Alive While Running a High Flashdance Fever"
• Automan, episode 3 "The Great Pretender"
• Automan, episode 4 "Ships in the Night"
• Automan, episode 5 "Unreasonable Facsimile"
• Automan, episode 6 "Flashes and Ashes"
• Automan, episode 7 "The Biggest Game in Town"
• Automan, episode 8 "Renegade Run"
• Automan, episode 10 "Murder, Take One"
• Automan, episode 11 "Zippers"
• Automan, episode 12 "Death by Design"
• Automan, episode 13 "Club Ten"
• Automan merchandise
• Automan pilot novelization
• Automan, final thoughts

Automan, episode 8: "Renegade Run"

---

Noel

After seven weeks of chasing nothing but white collar criminals, the show takes a huge unexpected turn to... white trash criminals? You see, in a corrupt little town called Bishop, which straddles the Arizona/Mexico border, the slimy Sheriff Clay Horton (reptilian legend Richard Lynch) is falsifying green cards for Mexican immigrants, smuggling them across the border, then mixing them into his chain gang of prisoners booked on trumped up charges which he uses as slave labor to constantly renovate his spacious estate. It's an all you can eat buffet of slimy deputies whacking people with shotgun butts and calling them "Boy!".

In the middle of this are a pair of grown siblings whose family farm is a required piece of land for Sheriff Horton's smuggling operation. Chico (Billy Drago) is a Vietnam vet biker who tries going the rebel route, only to end up on the chain gang. His sister, Teresa (Gina Callego), gets out of town and tracks down an old college friend for help... and wouldn't you know it that the friend is Walter. He heads down with her, completely solo, and is flabbergasted when he himself end up on the chain gang after a planted bag of weed is "found" in his car.

I love this episode. It takes every crazy "Southern Sheriff Gone Bad" cliche you can come up with, and, completely out of the blue, drops it in a show it has no business being in, yet that somehow makes it all the more delightfully unexpected. But wait, it gets better.

With Wally bagged and tagged and denied things like a lawyer and a phone call, Automan teams up with Detective Curtis to head down and investigate. That's right, Automan and Curtis, together at last, complete with Jack riding shotgun in the AutoCar, aghast after a 90-degree turn plasters him against the passenger window. That gag never stopped being funny with Walter, but it's a hoot with Curtis. Unfortunately, once they reach town, they part ways and Jack heads off to get a state bureaucrat who can sort out all the corruption. It's a missed opportunity for some more fun... but wait. They make up for it.

When Chico's biker gang, the Renegades, rolls into town with the intention of springing him loose, Auto decides the perfect move is to become the leader of this pack and use them to take the Fuzz down. So, yes, Chuck Wagner dons biker leathers, Cursors himself an uber-awesome AutoCycle, and then out stunts the leader of the gang, which makes him the main alpha, so he can lead the charge on the Sheriff's mansion and save the day.

This episode is freakin' insane, completely out of place, and packed up with every cliche in the book, and I loved every minute of it. It's a plot that would be bland and predictable on any other show, but by tying it to Automan, they found some zany ways to make it fresh and new. And you can never go wrong with closeup shots of Chuck Wagner pretending he's riding a motorcycle that's obviously parked at a dead stop.

Some random thoughts:

• Our lovable computer geek Walter Nebicher leaps from the back of a motorcycle onto a moving truck. Then gets to take Sheriff Horton down with a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the jaw. Bad. Ass.
• When we first hear about Teresa, we learn she helped Walters sort out some of the initial designs for what became Automan, but they never once pay this off. Hell, they never even have her spout any technospeak to back this up.
• The lead Deputy, a sadist named stone, is none other than Terry Kiser, best known for the Weekends he spent playing Bernie.
• Hey, we finally have a genuinely surprising reveal that a seeming hero is really a villain when town lawyer Gretchen Lewis is revealed to be one of several squeezes of Sheriff Horton.
• I think the house band rendition of "Born to be Wild" is, by far, the worst generic rendition of licensed music this show has given us. And that's saying something.

---

Tony

Born to be mild.
Once may be a fluke, and twice may be a coincidence, but I sense a trend here. This is the second white collarless episode in a row and I’ve got to believe that, by this point, the producers were realizing the error of their ways. Next week’s episode will be very telling.

We begin with an obviously First Blood inspired prologue, with a Veteran on a motorcycle being chased by some smarmy, vaguely bigoted small town cops. Automan is nothing if not a pop culture mirror of its times.

The would-be Rambo is played by Billy Drago, almost unrecognizable trying to play a Mexican-American with his hair dyed with what looks like flat-black boot polish. The Sheriff, our main antagonist, is played by Rutger Hauer doppelganger Richard Lynch. Lynch gives us our first truly menacing bad guy of the series, as his Sheriff Horton is a delightfully dirty despot.

The plot centers around Teresa (Gina Gallego, dangerously curvy but otherwise a truly awful performance), an old school friend of Walter’s who enlists his help to free her brother (Drago) from the clutches of the evil Sheriff. We find out that Horton is luring illegal immigrants across the border with promises of a Green Card only to force them into slave labor.

Much to Automan’s chagrin, Walter decides to go it alone. Of course, Walter and Teresa are captured and it’s Automan to the rescue, but this time he’s bringing an old friend: rumpled, old-school Lieutenant Curtis... in the Autocar. Auto does this in his Federal agent guise, but it’s fun to watch Curtis and Auto work together, not to mention Curtis getting tossed around as the car makes its customary 90-degree turns.

But things are heading for a... Mexican standoff (forgive me, Father, for I have punned) because Drago’s biker gang, The Renegades, is on its way to spring their leader.

It has to be said now: the Renegades are the least threatening biker gang since Eric Von Zipper and The Rat Pack. Sure, they roll into town frothing at the mouth, but in the next scene, we see them hanging around outside of a burger joint as a generic version of Huey Lewis’ "Heart and Soul" plays in the background. Not even my dad would be caught dead listening to that in public. Naturally, Automan becomes their new leader.

What follows is a series of cool "follow the leader" stunts intercut with close-up shots of the gang on their bikes, obviously sitting still as dirt is comically flung behind them by a stage hand, all to the strains of a generic version of "Born to be Wild". It’s a hoot.

The plot takes a few twisty turns before the final showdown - which is, of course, absurd but fun - as the gang comes rolling in to save the day against the hapless cops.

Okay, so "Renegade Run" doesn’t feature any criminal masterminds and the stakes are again rather small (I know human trafficking isn’t a petty crime, but it’s something your standard, human law enforcement officer encounters and deals with, without the help of a hologram, every day), but Horton is a memorable villain and the stunts are fun.

Overall, a solid episode inching the series slowly, ponderously in the right direction.

And to end things, in honor of guest star Richard Anderson (aka Oscar Goldman from The Six million dollar Man), I shamelessly give you this post from my other blog.

White Guys Conspiring Around a Pool Count: Holding at 4. I'm starting to wish I’d kept count of the awkward freeze-frame group laughs instead.

---

Related Reviews:

• Automan, episode 1
• Automan, episode 2 "Stayling Alive While Running a High Flashdance Fever"
• Automan, episode 3 "The Great Pretender"
• Automan, episode 4 "Ships in the Night"
• Automan, episode 5 "Unreasonable Facsimile"
• Automan, episode 6 "Flashes and Ashes"
• Automan, episode 7 "The Biggest Game in Town"
• Automan, episode 9 "Murder MTV"
• Automan, episode 10 "Murder, Take One"
• Automan, episode 11 "Zippers"
• Automan, episode 12 "Death by Design"
• Automan, episode 13 "Club Ten"
• Automan merchandise
• Automan pilot novelization
• Automan, final thoughts

Automan, episode 7: "The Biggest Game in Town"

---

Tony

Hack the planet!
Okay, kids, lets hop in the WABAC machine and travel back to February 12th, 2011. Ignore the dog.

Automan, episode 6: "Flashes and Ashes"

---

Noel

"Walter, in a case such as this, where the investigators are investigated, who investigates the investigators?"

"What does that mean?"

"Well, I'm not sure, but it's rather poetic, don't you think?"

Hey, for once our bad guys are mostly not white dudes in suits! Well, one of them is, but two of our main baddies are corrupt cops Springer (James Emery) and Coe (Michael Horsley). They've been conducting midnight raids on the police armory for weapons they sell to crime lord Rollie Dumont (Hari Rhodes), a black guy in a suit who runs an L.A. nightclub and decorates his wall with a jeweled turtle shell. It's no more of a global threat than our heroes have been up against before, but it is an interesting new dynamic, especially when the episode opens with Springer & Coe killing and then pinning the crime on an honest cop, Frank Cooney (Ron Harvey), who was an old academy buddy of Walter's. In a solid twist, the two are believed and kept on the force, whereas Walter gets suspended and labelled a suspect in his quest to find the truth.

Automan, episode 5: "Unreasonable Facsimile"

---

Tony

So, what dastardly villains do our heroes square off against this week? A clan of ninjas? A megalomaniacal hacker? A powerful cyborg from the future? Nope. More old white guys.

Automan, episode 4: "Ships in the Night"

---

Noel

"Auto! This is crazy!"

"No, it's fun, it's torrid, it's leeeeembo. It's ME!"

"Auto, you can't do this!"

"But Walter, this is the tropics. Pungent smells of the jungle. Steamy women with erotic desires. By the way, Walter, what is an erotic desire?"

"NEVER MIND!"

Let me see if I've got this right... In the Caribbean nation of San Cristobal, a white dude in a suit named Sawyer (Scott Marlowe) uses a beautiful banker named Liang Lu (France Nuyen) to lure in other white dudes in suits who are on their last dregs of blown fortunes - business deals gone wrong, scams that backfired, etc. - and promises to double what money they have left if they'll help him smuggle cocaine across the border. But, when he gets them in the air on his plane, he instead just pitches them out the side into shark infested waters. And helping him cover it all up is the corrupt police captain Romano (Cesare Danova), who likes to buy fancy cars for his mistresses.

Automan, episode 3: "The Great Pretender"

---

Tony

By this point, I think that we’ve established that plots aren’t exactly the strong suit of Automan, which is good, because this week’s episode is more confusing than that time my old Scout Master asked me if I wanted to practice tying knots... in his basement. It’s really hard to yell “Help!” with a neckerchief shoved in your mouth. Hardest Merit badge I ever earned.

Automan, episode 2: "Staying Alive While Running a High Flashdance Fever"

---

Noel

"Informants are about as reliable as computers."

"You're not against computers, Captain. It's just that you're uncomfortable around things that are... well..."

"Go ahead, say it. 'Complicated.' I don't like electric razors, either."

White dudes in suits who look like accountants. For some reason, the producers of this show think those are the types that make for the most threatening of criminal. I don't know what it is. Their sneering moustache? Their peering glasses? Their insidiously well-groomed hair? I mean, look at this dude and let me know if he leaves you quaking in your boots:

Automan, episode 1

---

Tony

I hadn’t seen Automan since it initially aired. I had strong memories of the show’s iconography - the Automan suit, the car, Cursor - but the finer details were buried under mounds of accumulated pop culture trash.